What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Who chose this font
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
the red hot silly peppers
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
SF is the wild wild west man
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Baller is short for ballerina
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.