Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
You Might Also Like
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.