I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
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time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home