Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Best spot.. 😅
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.