DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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Always the camel, never the toe.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
A dead goose is called a ghoost
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”