When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
They’re stuck in your pants?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
🤣🤣🤣
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.