I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.