Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.