I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that