@zachheltzel

Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?

@zachheltzel

Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There’s no way they can know your lying.

@zachheltzel

I DIDN’T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD

@zachheltzel

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.

@zachheltzel

Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.

@zachheltzel

Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.

@zachheltzel

“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”