a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Canadian owl: Eh?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything