Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened