Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My wedding will be open casket.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song