Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Friday
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.