My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.