@zakagan

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

@zakagan

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

@zakagan

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

@zakagan

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

@zakagan

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

@ZAKagan

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@ZAKagan

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all