Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.