Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of zebrasyndicate's best tweets

@zebrasyndicate : Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore. Me: Got it. [Later] Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I- Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

@zebrasyndicate: Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

@zebrasyndicate: Me: anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@zebrasyndicate: [creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they're supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

@zebrasyndicate: *I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where's the baby?

ME: there was a Dad Joke Battle



@zebrasyndicate: Wife: I swear, I'm gonna kill my boss

Me: please don't; it'll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you're making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison