There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica