will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.