i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
yea so i messed up lol
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.