Saint West, the patron of selfies
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me trying to walk in a dream
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?