USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it