*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
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