A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.