*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
no their not
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan