*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.