@Reverend_Scott

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

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@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

@ColIegeStudent

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@QwertyJones3

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

@UncleDuke1969

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

@jamdugg

*Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother’s eyes!

And her father’s nose!

And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!

@ThugRaccoons

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”