[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.