Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother’s eyes!
And her father’s nose!
And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker: I’m in.
“Money isn’t everything,” I say, poorly.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”