I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Americans: Muslims are so violent
Me: ok but police co-
Americans: shut up. Don’t judge a group of people based off a select few.
“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”
“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”
[gently brushes your hair out of your face]
“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
Can u exhale for me?
Can u make kissy noises?
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.