[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”