I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Does beer think about me too?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all