Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]
Hipster: I’ll take 4
[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
vampire: let me bite you
vampire: it will be fun
me: *running away*
vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!
me: *noticeably slowing down*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
God: haha jk it’s just me
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT