[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.