@KeetPotato

[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”

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@TheRolo

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@Contwixt

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

@iamspacegirl

vampire: let me bite you

me: no!

vampire: it will be fun

me: *running away*

vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!

me: *noticeably slowing down*

@bossy_bootz

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

@markydoodoo

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

@heidi420x

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

@Roy_oh_Roy

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT