Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Breaking news:
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My Sentiments Exactly
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time