*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
marvel comics have peaked
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Monday
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
Those are good neighbors.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.