@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

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@KelgoreTrout

the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words

@brian_bilston

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

@beccafacexo

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING

@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

@niccolethurman

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.

@SaltyCorpse

Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.

@casablankstare

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*