*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

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the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words


There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi


My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING


Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?


every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.


[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…


Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.


I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.


Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.


[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*