*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

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Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck


Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?


Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁


Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.


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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer


Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now