*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.