@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

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@pezzamissed

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

@abbycohenwl

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

@Manali_Shetye5

Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?

@stockejock

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

@Playing_Dad

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

@toomanytoes

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

@RaeUvLite

Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now