My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
*Uses the 5 second rule with soup*
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
When a shoelace touches your ankle