Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I鈥檓 totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it鈥檚 obvious crap.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they鈥檒l send your kid back.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That鈥檚 a whisk I鈥檓 willing to take 馃檪
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Here鈥檚 a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Just parrot things
something like this could probably happen to anyone
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.