*Uses the 5 second rule with soup*

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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.



BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?


Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.



Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup


Coworker: Did you spank your sons?

Me: Not a lot

Coworker: What about your wife?

Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time

Coworker: …


I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life


Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”


The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.