@jamdugg

*Uses the 5 second rule with soup*

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@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

@pizza_dragon

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

@Grommit56

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

@AimeeHelene1

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

@Marlebean

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!