*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Lmaoo 😂
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*