Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Smile they said.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I can’t wait!