*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
You Might Also Like
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective