*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR