*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

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Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.


[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen


Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome


I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.


My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. 🙂


BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what


Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.