*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch