Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.