[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.