a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Cashier: Eat this apple
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*lies down in bed*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*
Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?
ME: I’m very strong
X: So? All my students are
ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*
X: Dear god
“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.
If you skip down the street in your thirties, people leave you alone.
[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..