@squirrel74wkgn

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

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@iwearaonesie

a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@PinkCamoTO

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@sfreeze6

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

@girlneuy

“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@NatashaNat24

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..