Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!