@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.

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@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

@dog_feelings

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

@JJSummertime

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

@laurab3

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

@Beesthegame

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@CodyJP9412

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@jake_lach

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me