@3sunzzz
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
@thenatewolf
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.
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@3sunzzz
@dog_feelings
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
@JJSummertime
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
@laurab3
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
@BroOngod
@Beesthegame
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
@RandiLawson
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
@CodyJP9412
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@jake_lach
She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me
@JimmerThatisAll
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.