Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn