Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
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My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said