Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.