What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks