@heatherjs

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

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@Amusitr0n

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

@rickolantern

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

@Taco_Tatas

It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.

@Jamie1947

Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”

@samreich

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

@tweetfaver

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.