Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]


Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get


The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”


It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.


Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”


therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine


hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?


For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.