Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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When you kidnap a writer.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.