@Brampersandon_

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

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@ibid78

When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue

@ShutUpThatsWho

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

@Desert_Musings

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

@itsdhruvism

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

@OneThirstyNaut

[Enter a password]

“beansandsausage”

[Password must contain at least two capitals]

“limabeansandviennasausage”

@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers