[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
You Might Also Like
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up