When life hands you
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
men are so lucky they don’t have to sit down to poop.
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[Enter a password]
[Password must contain at least two capitals]
“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers