Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”


dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree


The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis


Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh


When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.


What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”


If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk


Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.


Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.


I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.