@P_o_n_k

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

@FredTaming

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

@TimFernholz

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

@DillDoes

Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

@T_Bonezzz_

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@daemonic3

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

@treadmilld

Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.

@Just__J0

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.